Read this if you think everyone hates you

If you sometimes fall into the trap of saying ‘everyone hates me’ or ‘everyone thinks I’m XYZ’, first of all, I know exactly how you feel. In fact, I’d go as far as to say I spent most of my 20s exiting meetings or parties fully convinced that every single attendee was judging me the second my back was turned (thanks, anxiety, super helpful!).

But if that’s a mindset you’re ready to kick to the kerb where it belongs, I have an exercise you might find useful.

Who is your current ‘everybody’?

First, you’re going to write down examples of people who actually hold that view. And this can’t be a generalised group like ‘everyone at work’ or ‘everyone in my friendship group’.

So, if the thought is ‘everyone thinks I’m too loud’, ask yourself: how many people have actually said that about you?

[Spoiler: this group is never as big as we think it is, if you can think of anyone at all.]

The ‘everybody’ audit

Next, you’re going to analyse who those people are that have made their way into the ‘everybody’ category and consider whether they’re people you should be listening to.

For example, if they’re strangers on the street or haters on the internet, they don’t really deserve a seat at the ‘everybody’ table, do they? 

Even friends or family members: if you don’t have a particularly good relationship or feel safe with them, it’s worth considering whether they should get a say. 

A brand new ‘everybody’

The final step is to re-write the laws you’ve been living by, by creating yourself a brand new ‘everybody’. This supergroup should be made up of people who love and care about you, and who you respect enough to want feedback from.

That way, you’ll have yourself a fresh, upgraded ‘everybody’ that wants to boost you up and see you succeed, rather than trying to tear you down.

The idea for this blog post came from the book Finding Your Own North Star by Martha Beck.

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